I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in