i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have demons in me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
