she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with