Texts From Last Night

5831usmc's Favorites Texts:

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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool

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  (401): she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool http://tfl.nu/sz50
  Replies (5) Good night (581) Bad night (1759) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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  (510): i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter. http://tfl.nu/xztf
  Replies (33) Good night (1890) Bad night (5436) Order T-Shirt
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  (368): View more from

  you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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  (368): you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/nfr6
  Replies (22) Good night (6750) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

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  (401): This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan! http://tfl.nu/8a5r
  Replies (26) Good night (5188) Bad night (796)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

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  (404): don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts http://tfl.nu/dnse
  Replies (13) Good night (4100) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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  (631): Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it" http://tfl.nu/tnve
  Replies (40) Good night (5192) Bad night (4958) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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  (562): I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset http://tfl.nu/nrla
  Replies (6) Good night (3093) Bad night (1095) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM

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  (330): mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM http://tfl.nu/ia9w
  Replies (27) Good night (8467) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.

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  (760): blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be. http://tfl.nu/1ded
  Replies (14) Good night (926) Bad night (4116) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.

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  (614): Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed. http://tfl.nu/22a9
  Replies (4) Good night (704) Bad night (1555) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

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  (902): He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them. http://tfl.nu/vfjc
  Replies (16) Good night (3363) Bad night (660)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer

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  (410): The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer http://tfl.nu/0sxh
  Replies (5) Good night (1411) Bad night (873)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

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  (317): My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low http://tfl.nu/zc60
  Replies (7) Good night (1336) Bad night (957) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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  (662): It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face http://tfl.nu/qofd
  Replies (9) Good night (1897) Bad night (1154) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3974) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

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  (505): I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets http://tfl.nu/m4mv
  Replies (7) Good night (2118) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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  (920): The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking (920): All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo http://tfl.nu/eenc
  Replies (9) Good night (2109) Bad night (719)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?

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  (785): Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference? http://tfl.nu/d4sd
  Replies (7) Good night (1793) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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  (423): just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party http://tfl.nu/zlvv
  Replies (11) Good night (5271) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
  Replies (34) Good night (5260) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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  (916): The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless. http://tfl.nu/34a1
  Replies (27) Good night (5947) Bad night (1177)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.

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  (843): When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done. http://tfl.nu/np50
  Replies (11) Good night (5243) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!

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  (818): That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister! http://tfl.nu/bmda
  Replies (20) Good night (6842) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

  (207): View more from Maine

  OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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  (207): There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself (207): OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE (781): Sounds like a good blink 182 concert... http://tfl.nu/nai8
  Replies (27) Good night (817) Bad night (3737)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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  (405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever. http://tfl.nu/wct5
  Replies (15) Good night (1177) Bad night (5600) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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  (360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room http://tfl.nu/ooda
  Replies (22) Good night (7797) Bad night (1450) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks

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  (215): i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks http://tfl.nu/79xy
  Replies (36) Good night (1157) Bad night (5791) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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  (908): We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks http://tfl.nu/lwab
  Replies (10) Good night (4113) Bad night (1402) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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  (510): dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF? http://tfl.nu/9690
  Replies (21) Good night (6102) Bad night (635)
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  (607): View more from New York

  So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...

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  (607): So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain... http://tfl.nu/8i34
  Replies (10) Good night (2113) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

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  (770): I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter. http://tfl.nu/9rwz
  Replies (20) Good night (3454) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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  (978): you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with http://tfl.nu/g7w5
  Replies (41) Good night (947) Bad night (5166) Order T-Shirt