and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.