Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.