Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
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She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
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official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar