And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?