Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
