o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.