We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she pinky promised me she was 18
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.