i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks