this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are