i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
