He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
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it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...