he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich