He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
