he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart