The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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