As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public