i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me