It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?