btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She is in my trunk
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.