no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.