Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have demons in me.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Small penises have feelings too.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!