Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."