I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
