I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough