what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.