He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
