dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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