people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
