i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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