found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
time to smoke my breakfast
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?