I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning