Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.