so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.