And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
