i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
