Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.