Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
