When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.