you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"