i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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