Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it