I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was