After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"