I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
