I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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