perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
