I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.