we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i think i have herpe
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.