my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.