If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You can't motorboat a personality