Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz