Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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