He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day